Hello blogsphere! For the few of you that follow me, you know that I kind of took a break from writing. The transition from my twenties to my thirtY was seriously chaotic and because of that, writing pieces which weren’t just rambles of negativity or reiterations of my near downward spiral was practically impossible. And I refused to blog about negative shit because Abraham Hicks says that that is exactly what fans the flames of the thing you are complaining about. And I really didn’t want to make the mound of shit that was headed toward the spinning fan that I called my life any bigger. Plus I really fucks with Abraham Hicks.
That said, this is a positive post, yay, meaning I am in a positive space double yay. Finally. Please keep in mind that negative events and emotions are inevitable in everyday life therefore I speak of my finally found positivity in a more general sense. Also, that infamous fire at the pit of one’s stomach that pushes one to inspired action, ever heard of it? This topic, combined with a general sense of “Nigga We Gon Be Alright (Hi Kendrick Lamar)” have pushed me to my keyboard.
I dedicate this post to each and every girl who has DM’d me on Twitter, Instagram or Emailed me on the brink of tears desperately asking for guidance. I asked you to give me some time, to be patient for my response, so thanks for waiting. I needed some time to figure out how to say all this. Much Love my Sweets!
To My Single Ladies…
I was single for a very long time. LOL, I am still single. (My initial feeling was that I should address this damn single-hood thing once I was in a dope ass relationship with a dope ass man living that dope ass hashtag relationship-goals life but, that feeling’s changed. So as I was saying…) Been single for almost all of my twenties and for 90% of this time I hated being single. A few people who know me might say, “No no noo Julia, you were not single for all that time. How about ‘Geoffrey’ and ‘Anthony’?” Those my good people were not relationships.
The last real relationship I was in was just after my undergrad and on my 23rd birthday as I cut that gorgeous white forest cake that my girls got me, at that party I went to with some nigga to make my last nigga jealous and basically letting the some-nigga plan my entire birthday, I remember feeling like a complete emotional wreck on the inside.
That feeling stayed with me for a long time. I was dealing with a tragic heartbreak, learning how to exist in rigid corporate Kenya as a creative soul, trying to lose weight and accepting the fact that having a car without air conditioner in hot nairobbery is a fucking pain in the ass. For three or so years that feeling stayed with me. It wasn’t until I left for England that the fog started to clear. A quarter life depression. I always say London saved my life. And so I came back home a couple of years after that, still single, happier, but still single and fucked up by a buildup of loss sourced from my failed attempts at relationships both in Kenya and the UK. At this time, I would try to not care about love or finding a good man but I would never truly tire. I wanted to be over it, done with men, but I always had hope and it annoyed me that I got excited and hopeful about the men that I got excited and hopeful for because looking back, dear God.
Fast forward to a more recent time, and I met someone. I didn’t “finally” meet someone, I just met someone. In all truth I would never have dated this guy but I convinced myself that I needed to be open to love and expand my preferences. There was a lot about him I felt was not in alignment with me but fuck it, he was feeling me and at the time, the guy I actually “finally” met had kind of broken my heart two months prior, so I gave this guy a chance. Then…he ghosted me. We never got intimate or even that close but he was my “settling choice” and when you settle for someone, they are usually more into you than you are into them so you never expect them to leave you. But he ghosted me. The little shit ghosted me and it was finally after this experience that I was over it. I was done. Done.
I wrote a note to myself on my laptop that for the next three months I would take a break from dating. “No flirting, no (flirty) texting or sexting, no going on dates, nothing,” I wrote. I needed a goddamn break. At last I found the need to focus on myself. Now, you should know that this was not the first time I said I would do this. When you are a single girl dating in Nairobi and you meet a few jerks along the way you tend to step back a little from time to time, but this was the first time I told myself to take a break accompanied with a real desire to focus on me and me alone. I was not scared to be lonely.
Perhaps one day I will share my personal diary on how this period of time unfolded but for now allow me to give you a summary. Month one, nothing really changed for me emotionally. I stuck to my no dating rules (Except this one time? I was out with my friends? and I got a little bit drunk? and forgot my new rules? then agreed to go on a date with a guy? he was an old friend? but anyway I had to go for the date. Later on I explained to him my situation which to my surprise he took well). But in general, for month one, I was still kind of an emotional mathogothanio (in the area of relationships). My heart was a jaded mess of emotions from past relationships mixed with a hope for future ones but I stuck to my rules and relished my time alone. I kept busy with video editing, cleaning my room, Netflix, errands for my family, eventually started going to the gym again and I didn’t dread any of this because this time, I actually wanted to be alone. My motivation and drive (which I think are not the right words to describe what made me feel okay with this strictly-no-dickly vow) came from a place of non-resistance rather than resistance. And because of that, it was in month two that I started to finally feel good about my decision. And what do I mean by this? I mean that my attitude towards relationships was not one accompanied by feelings of fear, pain, rejection and abandon. It was one accompanied more by contentment, peace and ease. That was and still is, the beginning of what has always been my real intention with my expectations from love.
You see the thing about being single and happy is that it can be kind of an oxymoron. There’s a sense that being single and particularly being single for a long time, is sad. And I get it, because I am the physical manifestation of this. But when I finally understood that what I needed was to stop ‘pushing against’ and simply accept that if I’m single, I’m single, it was then that the single and happy came. And not in short bursts which was the case for me in the past, but in a stable, everyday sense of contentment. My best friend to whom I was cry-bitching over the phone about Mr. Settled For Him said to me the words that created my paradigm shift. She said, “Julia, there’s nothing you can do. And you really cannot go on talking about your bad luck. Just be okay with all this now cuz there’s nothing you can do. You have no choice but to enjoy being single. I’m also single!” She was right. I had no choice. I had to, for the sake of my happiness and in the words of Abraham Hicks, find the sweet spot in my situation because of this notion; Every subject is really two subjects: the lack-of and the having-of what is desired. And in each subject, there are two ends to the stick, one positive and one negative. It’s your job to move towards the more positive end and only then can what you really want come into fruition because like attracts like. Also, the juice of life is in the process of moving to the sweet spot-not even in the sweet spot. Can I hear an Amen.
Some time has passed now and sometimes I want to restart or extend my three month vow to a 6 month vow just because it feels so good. Beginner’s luck? Maybe. And what if I am single for another year? And another year? Well, there is nothing I can do about that. But I do know my time is coming and I will just wait until then. This is not a post to encourage you to be okay with not having what you really want neither is it one encouraging ‘forced’ patience. No. In fact it’s worse when you force yourself to be happy with something you have a lot of unhappy momentum towards. This is a post to acknowledge your not-so-good feelings about being single. This is a post to say to you, I hear you, it’s okay, go on that date with that guy you know is not good for you if the desire to go on that date is greater than your desire to not go. But keep in mind that no one can make you happy but yourself. And if you peg your happiness on another person’s actions or presence, then your happiness is in their hands and not yours (I am also still in the process of practicing the acknowledgement of this teaching). Also keep in mind that whether you are in a relationship or not, a time will come when your significant other will disappoint you and it would be a good idea to already have the skills that enable you to wade through these uncertain waters with ease.
Hope this helps.
PS: Please don’t sign me up for Famously Single. Not a brand ambassador for singles. I’m not single, I’m Julia.